A toxically shamed person has an adversarial relationship with himself. Toxic shame — the shame that binds us — is the basis for both neurotic and character disordered syndromes of behavior.” John Bradshaw. [i]
Through his books and lectures, John Bradshaw brought the toxicity of shame into the light of day. Even though thirty years have passed since his books were first published, his words are still very much true and relevant today.
I am going to address the topic of shame: how to recognize it, and how to recover from it. I am including the use of spiritual practice as an essential element in the healing process.
Humans have four primary emotions that are natural. These emotions are potentially present from birth–and perhaps even earlier. The emotions are fear, anger, sadness, and joy. These four emotions can be thought of as analogous to the primary colors: other emotions, such as loneliness, jealousy or resentment are mixes or shades of the four primary ones.
When we develop a sense of identity as an individual among other individuals (usually age three or four) then the potential for guilt and shame develops. We call these two the socialized emotions. They are “installed” by virtue of the fact that we are social creatures and that much of our identity develops from how others relate to us.
The primary difference between shame and guilt is that guilt references something we did or did not do. Whereas shame is not based upon behavior, it is embedded in our identity itself. Guilt says “You did something bad. Shame says, “You are something bad.”
Guilt may be relieved by making amends, paying restitution, and/or doing some form of penance. Shame cannot be healed through any particular action. Because it is the result of long-term conditioning it takes more work to recover from it.
Shame is an emotion-backed belief that one is defective, inferior, unworthy, or unlovable. The shame-based individual generally has low self-esteem. This low self-esteem is maintained by negative self-talk-- most of which is below the level of consciousness.
Shame based individuals often want to hide and are fearful of being seen for who they are. They have difficulty with intimacy and with setting boundaries. Rarely spontaneous, they have trouble being playful or creative.
Shame is sometimes masked by arrogance or aggressiveness; or a person may be perfectionistic, over-competitive or compulsively success-driven. Behind the mask of a high achiever is a self he wants no one to see.
Shame is often masked by addiction in the form of substance abuse or a compulsive behavioral pattern. Recovering from addiction usually requires coming to grips with ones buried sense of shame.
In our culture, there are many potential causes of shame. Physical, sexual or emotional abuse sows the seeds of shame in a child’s soul. Likewise, abandonment and neglect foster shame--along with many other issues. Abused children become convinced that they are bad and typically believe that they deserve the abuse they receive.
In a shame-based family system, one child often carries the projected shame of the entire family. This permits each of the other family members to deny their own feelings. The family scapegoat or “black sheep” is usually the one who gets into some type of trouble and is often deemed the “problem child”. Sometimes this so-called problem child is referred to a psychotherapist or counselor to be “fixed.” when the problem is really systemic within the entire family.
Shame is readily passed on from generation to generation; it‘s like a psychic virus that can destroy countless lives. Systemic shame goes well beyond the family and can replicate itself within virtually any organizational structure—including an entire nation or culture.
Beyond the family and into the broader culture lie many economic and social origins of shame. Poverty, difficult in its own right, often carries the added burden of shame. Minority racial and ethnic groups may feel shame at being different-- and especially so if they targets of prejudice and discrimination.
Our penal institutions are hotbeds of unhealed shame. Toxic shame is rampant in the prison system—as is extreme racial and ethnic prejudice. Healing this will require a radical shift in the way we in our society view criminals.
We may have shame associated with our body, especially regards its appearance or functioning. Shame has been connected with developmental disabilities—physical and mental. In our culture sexuality is often loaded with shame and guilt. Fortunately, all of this is slowly changing as our cultural attitudes shift around these issues.
Religion is all too often a source of shame and guilt rather than spiritual nourishment. It is tragic that the most crucial element of human life—our spirituality—is riddled with shame and guilt. A reservoir of unhealed religious abuse is rampant in our country. Some of us have been called sinners and told that we “should feel guilty” for our alleged sinfulness. Guilt is considered a virtue in some religious systems. And beyond that, the concept of original sin goes even further and declares that “You are born a sinner, and you are a sinner simply because you exist.” Shame is piled onto to guilt--all in the name of God.
Shame is often projected onto others in the form of ethnic or racial prejudice. Not dealing with his own shame this person looks to someone else to carry it for him. It’s been said that projection is using others as a trash can to dump the disowned parts of oneself. This can have disastrous consequences
After WWI the German people carried an immense amount of shame due to their nation’s role in the war. Most of the Western world saw Germany as bad and evil; the German people were treated like criminals. Then, along came Adolf Hitler who rallied the German people by showing them a way to escape their collective shame. He preached that Germans were, “A superior race of pure Aryan descendants who were destined to rule the world!” Hitler used the Jews as scapegoats by labeling them as the cause of everything that Germany had suffered. He declared them to be an inferior race, unworthy to live--and we all know where that led. Projected shame can have disastrous consequences.
This all may sound rather dark and discouraging, but identifying a problem is the first step toward healing it. Life beyond shame is like emerging from a dark prison cell into the freedom of a new day. In our next blog we focus on the process of recovering from shame.
[i] Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications, Inc., 1988