Most human emotions are instinctual, but guilt and shame are learned emotions. We learn these because we are social creatures--much of our identity develops from how others relate to us.
The difference between shame and guilt is that guilt references something we did or did not do. Whereas shame is not based on behavior, it is embedded in our identity itself. Guilt says, “You did something bad.” Shame says, “You are something bad.”
Shame is endemic in our culture. As such, it may be difficult to recognize; it is present in hidden ways. Shame can subtle and may appear in many guises. If we don’t appear a certain way act or appear a particular way we may feel some shame. We are told that our value is in what we own, or what we know, or the titles we hold. Our culture says that you have to prove your worth; just being yourself is not enough. So we judge ourselves unmercifully in an attempt to be acceptable.
Meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg tells a story about a memorable conversation she had with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, while she was in India. At one point during an event, she had the opportunity to ask the Dalai Lama a question, so she ventured, “Your Holiness, what do you think about self-hatred? He looked at her seeming confused and asked: “What’s that?” He had no comprehension whatsoever of the concept of self-hatred.
This powerfully sums up a fundamental difference between our Western, ambition-focused value system and the Buddhist moral compass. While Sharon came to meditation as a result of dealing with feelings of inadequacy and self-judgment for her entire adult life, the Dalai Lama didn’t even know what self-hatred meant. When she explained to him the cycle of self-judgment, guilt, unproductive thought patterns — he asked her, “How could you ever think of yourself in that way?” and then explained that we all have Buddha-nature and that we are inherently good.
Author John Bradshaw writes, “Toxic shame gives you a sense of worthlessness, a sense of failing and falling short as a human being. Toxic shame is a rupture of the self with the Self.” [i]
Healing from shame is a journey of recovery. While guilt can be relieved by making amends, paying restitution, or doing some form of penance, shame cannot be healed through any particular action. It is the result of long-term conditioning; it takes more time to recover from it.
Shame is an emotion-backed belief that one is defective, inferior, unworthy, or unlovable. It’s characterized by a tendency to hide and to avoid intimate self-disclosure. One of the most effective remedies for shame is to experience being seen and deeply heard in a safe and affirming environment. One’s perceived badness and defectiveness must be brought into the light of day and then embraced with acceptance and kindness. To love oneself we may have to experience love from others first.
We seldom recover in isolation. One of the hidden dangers in the recovery process is that the shame-based person may try to go it alone. “I can do this myself—there’s no reason to hang out my dirty laundry for everyone to see.” Going it alone rarely ever works; ultimately, we must learn to love all aspects of our self. Yet, the shamed-based individual has no idea what that even means or how to begin…it’s somewhat like the Dalai Lama’s situation in reverse.
A shame-based individual generally has low self-esteem. This low self-esteem is maintained by negative self-talk-- most of which is below the level of consciousness. Recognizing this self-talk and interrupting the negative messages is very helpful. Likewise, recognizing and challenging faulty thinking patterns may be necessary. For example, “Just because someone does not like me does not mean that I am a bad person.”
Learn how to separate guilt from shame. It’s crucial to realize that “making a mistake does not make me a mistake.” Feelings of anger or grief may lie beneath the shame. Accepting these emotions and listening to them is a big step toward healing shame. Self-expression—verbal, written or artistic--can also be very helpful, as long as no self-judgment is applied.
Watch for any feeling of being “not okay.” Be alert for any self-talk that wants to make you bad, flawed or defective. Challenge that voice with a stronger voice that knows that you are inherently good and worthy of love. Cultivate relationships with individuals who are affirming and supportive of you. Try to avoid toxic individuals. And don’t ever let anyone shame you.
Watch for signs of perfectionism, arrogance, or aggressiveness that might be hiding some underlying shame. It’s good to set goals, but if you don’t achieve the desired goal, it does not make you a failure in any way whatsoever. Be aware of any self-talk that says, “In order to be okay or acceptable, I must do, have, or be something other than what I am right now”.
And finally, spiritual practice can help to heal shame. Awareness is crucial—especially awareness of thoughts and emotions. Being aware of self-talk is essential to change it. And, simply accepting every experience—without judgment—gives you a strong foundation for healing shame.
Most forms of spiritual practice have the premise that your essential nature is good, true, and beautiful. This true nature can never be sullied by anyone—including yourself. Your spiritual practice is an expression of your basic goodness; never allow shame to cloud or to disrupt it.
Finally, remember that patience is the highest form of faith. You don’t need to beat yourself up by striving, pushing, or trying to control your healing process. Know that your true self is in charge and that it will bring you home to itself--one step at a time.
Community is an essential aspect of spiritual practice. Your sangha, church, temple, or tribe should consist of individuals who affirm and support your basic goodness. Look for every opportunity to see that within yourself.
[i] Healing the Shame that Binds You, Health Communications, 1988