Who am I? This is not simply a philosophical question to be discussed academically, nor is it a psychological question of “trying to find oneself.”
It’s been said, “Never ruin a good question with an answer.” “Who am I” is a very good question: it has no verbal answer, but it can be answered by a living experience. It is actually more an inquiry than a question. The inquiry is a living question and the answer can only be lived as well.
A Buddhist might respond “There is no self.” But the Buddha never intended that to be a dogma. He said to “cling to nothing as the self.” There may be no fixed or definable self, but that doesn’t mean that self isn’t real. Love cannot be defined either, but love is very real and can be experienced in an infinite number of ways.
If we look for our answer to this question experientially we quickly see that there are aspects that we typically experience as self: body, thoughts, emotions, desires. We usually consider all of this as “me” or some part of me. Yet the very fact that something is aware of these phenomena begs the question, “Who is aware of the body, the thoughts etc.? Who is the “I” that is aware of “me.”
To use a simile, trying to locate the “self” is like searching through a very dark room with a flashlight. Sooner or later we are able to shine light on everything in the room – except for one thing---the flashlight itself! The “I” that is aware of me and everything else, is like the flashlight,--always the subject but never the object. It sees, but it cannot be seen.
And yet there is an “I” that is aware that it is aware. I cannot see my eyes but I know they are there—otherwise I could not see. Once again this “I” cannot be defined…but it can be experienced.
A few years ago I attended a seven-day retreat in which we spent 10-12 hours each day looking into the eyes of a person sitting across from us who was asking, “Who are you?”. The remainder of each day was spent in personal reflection on this same question.
This was a very powerful experience for me and for several others. The practice breaks through many layers of the false self and reveals a glimpse into the expansiveness of our true nature.
I questioned our teacher about this process vis a vis the Buddhist teaching of anatta (no-self). He responded with a metaphor that is often used in Hindu practices. He said, “The self is like a stick used to stir a fire; this stick ultimately becomes shorter as it is used, and eventually it is tossed into the fire and is consumed by it.
This self is sometimes likened to a silent observer--similar to a video camera. This “I” is traditionally referred to as the Witness. But unlike a video camera this Witness seems to become more and more transparent until it morphs into the objects being observed-- and at the same time is still fully aware of itself! It’s like the stick being totally consumed by the fire—yet still fully remaining a stick.
So the observer becomes the observed and the observer at the same time. This experience goes by many names: Oneness; Satori; Union; Cosmic Consciousness; Nonduality. It is beautifully expressed in the words of Ken Wilber.
When you are the [nondual] Witness of all objects, and all objects arise in you, then you stand in utter Freedom, in the vast expanse of all space. In this simple One Taste, the wind does not blow on you, it blows within you. The sun does not shine on you, it radiates from deep within your very being. When it rains, you are weeping. You can drink the Pacific Ocean in a single gulp, and swallow the universe whole. Supernovas are born and die all within your heart, and galaxies swirl endlessly where you thought your head was, and it is all as simple as the sound of a robin singing on a crystal clear dawn.
There is nothing more to be said.
There are infinite possibilities to be lived.