Maybe it’s difficult for you to think that anger has any wisdom in it. You, like many of us, may equate anger with violence, abuse or bullying. And, like many of us, you may have experienced anger only in its harmful and destructive form. Many of us have been hurt by this expression of anger.
Because this view of anger is so prevalent, many of us have learned to deny or suppress our anger. And as spiritual seekers, we may tend to see anger as “unspiritual” and anathema to the love that we desire to express.
But anger, when denied or repressed, can lead to a great many difficulties. Repressed anger can morph into depression, anxiety, and a variety of physical ailments. It can appear as passive-aggressive behavior. This is when someone acts out their buried anger in passive ways-- such as being late or failing to show up for appointments, not keeping promises, or not taking responsibility for one’s decisions.
A healthy response to anger is neither repression nor acting it out. A healthy response to anger is to feel it (physically and emotionally) and to focus on your own internal experience rather than the transgressions of another. (Sometimes it is helpful to discharge the anger in a nonharmful way. This does not dissolve the anger but it can help you to calm down and gain some clarity.)
This doesn’t mean that you must always absolve others of accountability or facing the consequences of their behavior. And it does not mean that the issue is “all yours” either. (We can mistakenly believe that the problem is either “all theirs” or “all mine”. Always consider both the subjective and objective aspects of every situation involving anger.) Unless immediate action is mandatory, it’s better to look inward first; then if you do take action, it’s more likely to be a conscious response rather than an unconscious reaction.
Explore this experience called “anger.” Focus first on your own physical experience. “What do you feel in the body?” Allow whatever is present to be there. Stay with it for a while. Breathe.
Then explore the statement in the anger. What words arise? Initially they may be focused on the other. (EG they shouldn’t have done that… etc.). Try to shift the focus to your own personal experience. (EG I think… I want… I need …) See what needs or desires are embedded in the anger. Identify and feel these desires fully.
As you feel the desire directly and fully (without focusing on the object of desire) you may become aware of a memory, belief or some conditioning that surrounds the desire itself. You will eventually experience a wound that has blocked you from making choices or taking action that will fulfill this desire. (It’s actually not the wound itself, but our avoidance of it that’s the blockage.)
Once again, the key is to be aware of your experience and allowing it to be there without acting on it or getting lost in a story that the mind is spinning. This process will eventually lead to a much deeper fulfillment of the desire than you could receive from anything outside yourself. You can find within yourself that which you were seeking from another---and much more.
This practice will also give you the ability to say “No” to what you don’t need; it can help you set boundaries that are appropriate for your life.
Anger can be the fuel that propels you to stretch and to grow beyond your present comfort zone. It can energize you to make some needed changes in your life---and (perhaps) in the world.
Returning to the issue of addressing anger within the context of spiritual practice: A Buddhist practitioner might ask some of the following questions:
· Isn’t anger aversion?
· Isn’t desire craving?
· Aren’t craving and aversion causes of suffering?
· Shouldn’t I try to let go of craving and aversion?
The answers are Yes, Yes, Yes and No.
You can’t let go of craving and aversion by trying to let go of craving and aversion. “Trying” simply fosters more craving and more aversion. Craving and aversion will cease when we see clearly what it is and allow it to be--just as it is.
Anger disappears when you gain insight into how the anger arises and when you see what’s behind it; the anger then transforms into wisdom and power. Skillful awareness of anger can lead to awakening into a new dimension of your life.
Finally, a lesson on anger from Mahatma Gandhi: