When you hear the word, “betrayal,” what comes to mind for you? Some might think of an unfaithful spouse or of someone who has betrayed their country. For many this word is loaded with personal memories and strong emotions.
The experience of betrayal will almost always show up for you--in some way--when you do a spiritual practice. Let’s examine why this is so.
Betrayal is a broken trust. We feel betrayed when we trust in someone or something (person, group or deity), and we perceive that this trust has been violated in some way. This is very painful. The deeper the trust, the deeper the pain.
We usually feel that it’s a person or an organization that has betrayed us, but actually what’s betrayed is a contract that we have (or believe that we have) with another party. This contract is an agreement (which is often unspoken) between two or more parties. The contract usually involves a “quid pro quo” which means that we agree to do something in exchange for something that we receive. Once again, it is often unspoken, much of the time it is implicit and assumed. This unspoken agreement can also lead us into (unspoken) expectations and frustration when those expectations are not met.
As you engage in spiritual practice long forgotten memories will arise into awareness—and most likely, a betrayal is among them. We discover ways that we felt betrayed by parents, family, friends, lovers, spouses, colleagues, clergy, God, teachers, politicians, doctors, police, etc. Once again, the deeper the trust, the deeper the pain that we feel.
We may also feel betrayed by our culture; specifically, we feel betrayed by some of the cultural messages that we have unknowingly received, believed and lived for many decades. We may have invested a great deal in climbing the ladder of material success or accumulating academic degrees because we believed that this would lead to satisfaction and happiness. It didn’t. We can feel deeply disenchanted and very angry when we uncover this experience.
We may have believed that having the “perfect family” or “perfect spouse” would lead to living happily ever after. We may have invested our identity into creating this ideal only to find that a) perfect families exist only in the 1950’s era television shows, and b) all relationships change—and eventually end. This realization can lead to much grief and a profound sense of emptiness
As the spiritual journey unfolds we shed old identities and associations and we break old covenants. We break the (unwritten) rules given to us by our family, our religion, our culture and perhaps the many subcultures that have strongly influenced us. Now you are the “betrayer.” Our family and our old friends may feel betrayed because “you aren’t the person you use to be.” This can lead to being (or feeling) estranged and a feeling of being an outcast. Some relationships may be permanently broken and those that do survive may no longer carry the same depth of meaning for us. We may then experience feelings of guilt, loneliness, and sense of emptiness.
What is a skillful response to this?
Recognize what you feel—and name the feelings if you can. Recognizing and naming feelings can help you to untangle yourself from your emotions. It can help you to observe your emotions rather than feeling controlled by them.
When you feel that you have been betrayed then try to identify your contract (unspoken expectation) with the perceived betrayer. This is the belief under which you have been operating in the relationship. You probably were not aware of this until now.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully--and notice physical sensations as well. Feeling the emotions in your body is the key to healing. Sometimes it’s also helpful take action to express emotions in a nonharmful way. Running, screaming, crying, pounding, writing, dancing, drawing etc. can be helpful as long as you stay present to your body at the same time.
Bring clear awareness and complete acceptance to whatever you experience. Remember that there is no “should” when it comes to your emotions. Emotions are not rational, and they do not need to be justified. You not always responsible for what you feel, but you are always responsible for how you handle your emotions.
Also, remember the difference between anger and blame or condemnation. Anger is a feeling in the present moment. Blame is an emotion backed belief that keeps you tethered to the past. Forgiveness releases you from bondage to the past.
We will talk about forgiveness and recovery in the next blog.